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Currently Reading The Chronicles of Narnia Boxed Set By C. S. Lewis, Cliff Nielsen see related

I'm not sure why exactly I'm writing in xanga as opposed to LJ, but I've always considered my xanga more of a place for ideas and stories rather than everyday details. This is not a diary, this is the canvas and my keyboard is the paint.

In rereading The Chronicles of Narnia, a lot of new-ish ideas have occured to me. One, is that I long for an Aslan-figure to turn to when I am scared or upset. I envy Lucy for her earnest faith in Aslan to help her though any difficulty. Especially in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, which is in my opinion the second most religiously oriented book in the series, I found myself clinging to my Aslan (Azzy) and thinking about what I would do in Lucy's position. Somehow, I have the nasty feeling that I might be more like Susan than Lucy, or heaven forbid, Eustace. Actually, I'm fairly certain that I wouldn't be Eustace because as selfish as I am, I am not that bad. But the idea of being Susan scares me a little, because in Prince Caspian she annoyed me to no end. Obviously C.S. Lewis intends for the reader to sympathize with Lucy, who is the most taken with this faith, and portrays Susan as the nonbeliever, or at least a hesitant believer. I'm not sure what I originally had to say about this subject, but while reading, I was very very glad to have my Aslan next to me. He tends to be very comforting.

I read this series about a year ago, and I remember finishing The Voyage of the Dawn Treader and not being able to separate the book's world from my world. I'm not going to say one is fake, because in my perception, they are both very real. Besides, what is real or fake? But that is a different discussion. It took me several minutes, not seconds, to differentiate the world I grew up in from the book world, and even so I was left with a feeling that I was missing something. Aside, of course, from feeling the loss that my closet has never transported my to a different world. Not physically, at least. There are many times when, in rage or sorrow, I crawled into the space beneath my hanging clothes and next to my shoes, and sat with the various forgotten artifacts there, such as flat soccer balls, last-season's spikes, and broken badminton racquets. Sitting there, I could daydream away my emotion, and although I'd come out feeling subdued and flat, it was easier to go on living life afterwards. It's been a while since I did that, although I'll admit I tried it once since coming to college. Only once, and when I came out it scared my roommate so much that I haven't tried it again. It doesn't work so well if you think about what other people will think of you.

Maybe being sick makes me think more, maybe it makes me read more, and therefore I think more. I don't know, but it is very hard for me to think about trying to study something mundane like chemistry or biology at this moment, if only because reading these books takes me somewhere much above these. An idea is so much more powerful than a fact, at least in my opinion. And with that, I must stop babbling because anyone reading this is no doubt asleep by now.

so i made a LOTR collage type thing...cuz i was bored and i'm trying to learn photoshop and i'm incredibly proud of myself even tho the collage isn't that cool...oh well here it is

http://www.geocities.com/dreamerz85/stupidcollagething.jpg

today was like a bad dream where nothing really feels right you have the look of a man who accepts what he sees because he expects to wake up

it was nice and hot today, and it seemed like too nice of a day to be so awful. classes were dumb...we did exactly nothing, except perhaps in oracle when mel and i finally got our act together and figured out something cool. so since i never really needed to think, certain words kept running through my head and each time i heard them i would get this sick feeling in my stomach and i would guide my mind to something else. but it's almost like i want to hear those words. i replay them conciously and feel that sinking in my stomach, the rivens of fear that worm their ways up my back, the unscreamed screams unsettling themselves i know what i have to do, it's just, i'm afraid to do it.

i realized today, what i really dislike in my friends--it's when someone stubbornly makes things harder for everyone just because things are apparently always supposed to be perfect. we'll put out their eyeses preciousss it comes from being a perfectionist, and having conquered most of those impulses in myself, i have little patience with those who let their perfectionistic tendencies guide everything in their lives. it's so irritating when everything you say has some flaw it is real because you make it real, everything has to be changed, but they refuse to change it. i try to be patient, i try to stay calm and provide alternatives, but in the end basically the person usually acts so much like a brat that i treat them like one, which is so completely wrong of me to do. do not deal out death and judgement, even the very wise cannot see all ends. i don't want to try to justify that, cuz it's plain wrong, i need to develop patience, because obviously any of my friends know that i'm not at all patient, and when i lose it everytime it's so frustrating.

on a more cheerful note, i'm so thankful for my friends who are always a shoulder for me to cry on, even when they have other work that they SHOULD be working on...thanks so much matt b. frodo wouldn't have got far without sam too bad that as soon as you cheered me up (KEANU! =D) i came home and had to listen to the worst part. it's interesting tho, i thought i would have to try really hard at school today to hide what i was feeling, but it somehow came really naturally. everytime i had those thoughts i would guide my thought away from it and surprisingly enough it worked. i was dreading coming home, but it's not so bad knock on wood now that i'm here, but anything is possible.

tell me what you thought about when you were gone and so alone the worst is over you can have the best of me we got older but we're still young we never grew out of this feeling that we won't give up.